Publisher: Paradox Interactive
Developer: Mezmer Games
Minimum Requirements: Windows® XP/Vista, Pentium 4 1.5 GHz or Athlon XP; 1 gb RAM (2 gb recommended); nVidia GeForce 6/7/8/9 series, ATI Radeon 9600/X1xxx, AMD Radeon HD 2xxx series or Matrox Parhelia video card; at least 2 GB of free hard-drive space; DirectX 9.0c compatible sound card; DirectX 9.0
Genre: RTS
Release date: Available Now

Every once in a while, a game comes along that combines great parody with great fun. Dungeon Keeper and its iterations are a good example of such a fusion. In a similar vein, Stalin vs. Martians attempts to parody the RTS genre, combining a ridiculous premise with absurd gameplay elements. Unfortunately, SvM doesn’t give the player gameplay that’s either stimulating or fun.

It’s clear after reading the six-page manual describing power-ups and equipment that the designers intend SvM to be completely tongue-in-cheek. The game details a Soviet military campaign against Martian invaders in Siberia during WWII. Tasked by Stalin himself in rather idiomatic mission briefings, you must defeat the alien invaders and save Mother Russia using a variety of real Soviet equipment, as well as ridiculous devices such as the Soviet national anthem and Historical Inevitability. The capabilities of units and bonuses are perhaps less important than their value as platforms for clichés, a point driven home by the spam strategy I illustrate in my screen-capture video.

Since clichés rule the day in Stalin vs Martians, let me clarify what the game means when it says it’s a real-time strategy. There are no buildings or resource nodes from which to collect raw materials. Instead, all units are purchased and deployed at the edge of the map. Resources consist of gold coins looted from the remains of defeated Martians. The strategy portion of the game lies not in controlling the map and strategic resources, but in racking up an impressive body count. Also, there is no tech tree to research. While new units are unlocked as you progress from scenario to scenario, there is no “T-34 +1 armor” research to be conducted. Units can collect upgrades from the corpses of defeated Martians, but these bonuses only benefit the unit that picks them up. Given the nature of the combat, these bonuses don’t mean much anyway.

And combat there is aplenty. As the only resources to be gathered come from defeated Martians, there is nothing to be gained from having your horde of tanks standing idle. It’s too bad that combat generally consists of grabbing your troops, ordering them to attack in one big disorganized mass, focus firing on the occasional big alien, then repeating. While there are a number of different units available, from humble infantry to T-35 tanks, there’s no reason to purchase anything other than the best tank available. Combined-arms combat, while technically possible, doesn’t get you anywhere, and battles are generally won by outgunning the enemy. What’s even more bothersome is the lousy AI. Pathfinding is mediocre at best, and the Martians either stand in place and await an attack or wander the map aimlessly in search of targets. Think zombies, but with a lower IQ.

All of this could be tolerable, given the game’s premise of parody; after all, we’re not meant to take it too seriously. Yet, as I played it hour after grueling hour, a few things became clear to me. First, it’s obvious that the designers really thought that sprinkling in a few jokes and an avalanche of clichés (trust me, they’re everywhere) creates good parody and perhaps even satire. This is simply not the case. Games such as Dungeon Keeper II and Evil Genius earn respect because they are more than just platforms for a mountain of inside jokes. They are well designed and executed efforts that parody their respective genres and cultural ideas from a position of expertise, not shoddy workmanship. Second, it seems clear to me that the designers were under the impression that offering the game at a bargain price would excuse what amounts to lazy game design. Even more irritating is that the soundtrack, while not really connected to the premise of the game in some cases, is actually pretty good. The band that performed the music for Stalin vs. Martians put more effort into their work than developer Mezmer did, a comment I never expected to make in a game review.

What disgusted me most about my experience with Stalin vs. Martians is that the game industry could really use a high-quality parody of an RTS right now. The time is right and there are plenty of talented developers out there who could pull it off. Sadly, Stalin vs. Martians doesn’t fit the bill. Your time would be better spent running three copies of Progress Quest in tandem and just staring at the screen. You would spend less money, and you’d end up with a more enlightening parody.

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