Graphics: I first tried out Golden Axe after playing Fallout 3, Call of Duty: World at War and Mirror’s Edge. After those titles, most games would be the visual equivalent of hamburger when compared to the filet mignon quality of these other games, but Beast Rider isn’t even a burger; it’s like the month-old hotdog you find in a rundown movie theater. The characters are bland with little or no texture, and the enemies are all just clones of a single model with variations in color and helmet styles. The graphics options offer no relief, as you can only either have a reddish wasteland landscape or a gray one. Also, I don’t understand why we can’t move past the stereotypical female heroine design to one that makes Barbie realistically proportional and dresses her in more practical outfits to wear while engaging in complex combat.

Interface: Beast Rider employs a parry/evade system in combat situations; if the enemy attacking you is glowing orange, you press LB, and if it’s glowing blue, you press RB. This may sound really simple written out here, but when you’re in the throes of battle, remembering which is which is nearly impossible. There isn’t much else to the interface, seeing as how you only have two magic spells to use and the Golden Axe to throw at targets. The camera is free floating, but because of this, it’s extremely easy to lose perspective and end up getting beaten by enemies off screen.

Gameplay: I applaud the stamina and patience of anyone who has played this game for more than a few hours. I can’t fully describe my lack of enjoyment. The combat is exceedingly boring, as you run in a predetermined direction fighting wave after wave of enemies with no purpose or variety. Not every game has to have a complex plot or even great graphics, but being boring on top of it all is the kiss of death for an adventure game. I didn’t care if my character rebuilt the Golden Axe, and I’m not even positive that that was the main objective. In the several hours I spent playing Beast Rider, all I did was essentially button mash in self defense against enemies and then move forward along the only path I could… only to encounter more of the same enemies. That’s not a game, it’s just a really long tutorial, and for a game with “Beast Rider” in the title, riding the beasts was not very exciting, especially since they appeared to have life spans shorter than fruit flies. Give me Yoshi over any of these guys any day of the week.

Sound FX: Whenever you are supposed to throw the Golden Axe to destroy a far-off target, an indicator blinks in the lower left of your screen. Unfortunately the blinker also has a sound effect that is a cross between a baby crying and a dying police siren. I was in an area where I had to use the axe to continue progress and for some reason I couldn’t find the target I needed to hit. The wail of the alert nearly drove me to insanity. The other sound effects are extremely standard; a few grunts here and there and some sword swinging. The dialogue is simply atrocious (“By my balls, girls, I thought you were dead!”).

Music: To be honest, with the rest of my senses being accosted by this game, I barely noticed the music, which might make it the best part of the game. It’s a standard arcade adventure score, and that’s fine.

Intelligence: All of the enemies I fought I’d consider to be relatively stupid, as I was able to avoid their attacks as long as there was only one of them. Some of them would even let me stand within inches of their weaponry, staring at me blankly until it was time for them to attack again. Seriously, when was the last time you encountered a bad guy who reacted the same way at point-blank range as they would if you were 100 yards away? But there are also enemies who have the magical ability to drop rocks on your head from the sky. It doesn’t matter if you move around, either, because you have very little time to dodge them.

Difficulty: It’s a bit of a challenge to make a game that’s both difficult and boring, but somehow Golden Axe’s developers have found a way to do it. The game is extremely linear and the “puzzles” are somewhat underwhelming. In one instance, you approach a closed gate that you need to open. Two torches prominently frame it. One torch is lit, one is not, and all of your magical spells deal with using fire as a projectile. Take your time. On the other hand, enemies like to use the swarm technique to attack, meaning that if there are more than three of them on the screen at once and they’ve crowded you, the odds of you coming out of the fight with most of your health are slim. This wouldn’t be so bad if health wasn’t such a rare commodity. Enemies don’t drop anything of value when they die, so replenishing your medical status can get tricky. Also, if you lose your three lives, you’re forced to start the whole level over again. I thought the gaming community agreed a long time ago that “lives” was an archaic concept.

Overall: I can’t think of a single reason to recommend Beast Rider. If you loved the Golden Axe titles on the Sega system, this game is probably just going to disappoint you. During a period when there are lots of great games coming out, your time and money are better spent elsewhere.